Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
