my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
