I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
