Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
