how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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