In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
