Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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