I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can't turn off my feet"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
there is glitter all over my balls
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
