what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
