3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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