when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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