I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
