It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
