Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
