I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
