My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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