I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
