ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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