I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
