you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
