I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
