So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
