hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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