Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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