i think my tv is drunk
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
