She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
