the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
