I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
