I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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