He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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