I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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