Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
