he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize