Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A+ Viking dick
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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