Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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