I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
