at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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