i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
