Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
