why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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