census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
