he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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