it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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