THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
