Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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