Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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