Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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