My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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