Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
