I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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