was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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