In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
