Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
