dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
