I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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