is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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