so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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