Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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