apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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