brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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