She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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