If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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