Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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