I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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